i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
