Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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