i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
