This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
