well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
