Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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