I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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