Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
