I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
