Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
