he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
