I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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