You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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