I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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