y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
