in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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