I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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