After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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