They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
