so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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