Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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