You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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