nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize