I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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