So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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