What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
