so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
