He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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