I'm gonna have a badass scar
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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