never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
