you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
