my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
