I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
