Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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