Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
