I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
