I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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