Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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