my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
