lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
