Pants 0. Shit 1.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
