Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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