Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
