Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
