Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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