you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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