Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
