1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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