and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
