Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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