My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
