We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
