I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was born a porn star she said
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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