Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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