i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
