her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize